An Unexpected Piece

I never thought I would say this...Exercise is a piece of my heart. A very tiny piece at this point but a piece non the less. I have found that I enjoy feeling my muscles work, the rapid beating of my heart, and the overall calm I feel after a work out. I still find I have to force myself to get up and go but once I do I never regret going and I even find myself doing more than I originally thought I would do.

9 weeks ago I started the couch to 5k program and was barely able to jog for more than 3 minutes. Now 9 weeks later I am jogging for 22 minutes straight and will soon start jogging 25 minutes. It is amazing how much stronger I feel and how much more I am able to push my body to do. Starting February 1st I am adding a daily ab workout in the hopes of seeing great results in my waist line.

For now I am off to change and do a small 30 minute workout at home.

Friends

I, actually we (hubby and I) have the greatest friends in the world. Today we went out to lunch with our friends for all the January and February birthdays (there are approximately 10 in 8 weeks time) and looking around the room I realized how loved we are and how much we love all of them. Every one those people that were there today are the people that we can count on no matter what (and a few that were unable to make it). We have laughed and cried with these people more than once. We turn to them for advice, humor, and love. I hope that we provide our friends with as much love and support that they provide for us. We never say it enough. THANK YOU for your friendship!!!

Why???

No one word in the English language reminds me more of a nosey 2 year old then the word why. We have all dealt with the child that says why to everything they are told. Why do I have to eat green beans? Why are they green? Why do they smell funny? why, why, WHY (it can go for hours if you let it).

Unfortunately, this is a word that has lived in my head for many, many months. Why have we lost 3 beautiful babies? Why can't the Dr.s help me carry a baby? why, why, WHY???? But today my why issues are not only for me but for a good friend of mine who miscarried a baby last year and has reached her due date. Why do good people keep losing their beautiful children so early in life? Why are we not given them for many, many, many years? Why are we "given" them at all if they are just going to be taken from us before we can even hold them? 

Some people say "God has a plan", "believe in God" "and my favorite "There was a reason God took your child." Now after 3 losses I am hesitant to say that I feel God has a plan but I also have to cling to something even if it is a microscopic thread of belief. If I have no belief that there is an ultimate plan then I cannot believe that my day to be a mommy with not only beautiful angel babies but also earth (rainbow) babies will never come.

There are many people who mean well when saying the above phrases to a woman that has lost her child but as a woman who has lost her child they really do not console us or make us feel better in fact at least for myself they make me feel worse and madder at God. If he has a plan for me then why do I have three angel babies and not one baby in my arms? Why does my friend who has tried everything under the sun to have a baby mourning the child she should have delivered today? I do not see where God is at in all of this.

For all the mothers who have lost a baby I wish you peace and strength. No one should have to go through what we have gone through especially numerous times. I leave you with my favorite quote at the moment: People cry not because they're weak. It's because they've been strong for too long.

One of My Many Pieces

Today for some odd reason Pippa Lou has decided to love me. Before I explain how Pippa Lou is all about loving me I need to explain Pippa Lou. For the most part she is a cold hearted witch with a B. She does not like to be touched, she does not like to be held, she watches everyone's every move to make sure they are coming nowhere near her, she hisses when she is mad and she will also nip at your hand if she is really mad.

So now today I come home from work and end up falling asleep on the couch for a bit. While I am asleep, Pippa crawled up on the couch with me and fell asleep as well. She was quite content and probably would have stayed there awhile but I had to get up. While my dinner was cooking she curled up on my lap and then while I ate she curled up on my lap and is now sound asleep and allowing me to pet her.

They say pets sense illness and problems, but I don't know of anything being wrong with me except for my monthly friend coming so no idea why Pippa is so loving but I am enjoying it; even though my legs feel asleep 5 minutes ago as I am sitting on the couch Indian style.

New Year, New Resolution, New Me???

I started this blog months ago yet I have only posted several times so as many find themselves doing at this time of year I am making resolutions for the new year and one of them is going to be to update this blog on a regular basis. My other resolutions are:

1. Keep working on my weight loss and exercise. So far with the help of Weight Watchers I have been able to lose 50.4 lbs., I am 5 weeks into doing the couch to 5K program and I am planning on running a 5k in the Spring, I have become more physically fit, my blood pressure is normal, and my hormone levels have become stable and at a normal range.

2. Stand up for myself and tell people what I need. Too often I do not tell people what I need or how I am feeling but rather hold my emotions/comments in so that I do not offend others. While this is a good practice in life generally going through what Kyle and i have been through I need to be able to tell people when i am sad or that what they have said offends me.

3. Enjoy my husband and our relationship. Kyle and I have been together going on 8 years and have been married for almost 5 years. In that time we have moved 5 times; once in with family, have both been in school; Kyle to get his Associates in Nursing and I to get my Master's in Administration, we have lost three beautiful babies and have found that there are complications to me being pregnant, and we have been so broke that we had to scrounge for $1.00 to buy an ice cream cone to split.

Overall, my personal theme for this year is...ME. I will become the best me that I can be and I will work on enjoying life. I wish all of you a very wonderful 2012.

Tears Were Shed

So today the hubby decided that we were going to go to the cemetery to make sure that our beautiful Liberty's headstone is correct and been placed at her spot. Before going I was having mini anxiety attacks and did NOT want to go, which made me feel more anxious. Once I got home and hubby got ready I was dragging my feet to get up and go and finally had the crying spell that was welling up inside me. I cried for a good 5 minutes, which got some of the anxiousness out of me. I mostly didn't want to go because seeing the headstone with her name on it made it SO real for me. Obviously, it is real to me everyday as I do not have her here with me but seeing her name on a headstone in the ground right below her sister's headstone was like a steel-toed boot kicking me in the heart. So anyways, I finally got myself together and we went to the cemetery where I kept it together for the most part. I also planted some flower bulbs that came from an arrangement I got while I was in the hospital after having Liberty. I said a little prayer to Liberty and Ziggy (our 1st lost baby), cleaned up the headstones and we left. We both felt comforted; me for finally going and getting over this hurdle and hubby for being able to see that the headstone is correct (had a lot of issues when ordering)  and that his little girl has been taken care of.

So then on the way to dinner Kyle brought up the topic of having another baby. This has been a touchy subject for us since I was pregnant with Liberty. When I got pregnant with Liberty Kyle told me then that it was going to be my last pregnancy because he could not continue going through the losses and the heartache as well as the anxiety over me being pregnant. So after we lost Liberty I wasn't sure where we were headed and in recent months we have been discussing surrogacy over me being pregnant. This is a viable option for me BUT I still have a deep desire to be pregnant one more time. Kyle has agreed that we can try one more time but that, that is the absolute last time no matter what happens. The plan has been since we began discussing this that we will do a surrogacy, then me pregnant, and then possibly adoption. After discussion in the car the plan maybe changing to me being pregnant first and then looking into other options. Quite frankly if I can successfully be pregnant and deliver a strong healthy baby I will be ECSTATIC with one child (a very spoiled one).

So now we are discussing me being pregnant (not for at least another almost 9 months) and waiting to see what my Maternal-Fetal medicine doctors say about what needs to be done for me to be pregnant. I am currently in the midst of getting blood work done with Reproductive Endocrinology to check hormones and from there we may go see a genetic counselor. We are also having Kyle tested for the clotting disorders, which if they come back positive means that together we are causing the baby to have a clotting disorder and the baby is therefore clotting the placenta not me.

Overall, I am happy and anxious thinking about being pregnant again. Oh and scared S***less that history will repeat itself for a fourth time but as I have 9 months to learn all I can and come to terms with everything that has happened I think I will be okay in the long run. Also if this is the path we are going to go down I need to get other things in my life straightened out and pregnant friendly.

Seriously...

So life has been fairly good lately. Back to work, lost 30 lbs., still working out and continuing to build a great relationship with my hubby again. That is until this past Monday. Monday night after I got home from work our oldest kitten, Pippa Lou was throwing up. At first it looked like a hairball issue so I was not too concerned just annoyed with cleaning up the puke (especially since hubby was awake and just looking at it). After cleaning up I got ready for WW and headed out with mom. I got home around 9pm and found about a dozen spots of what looked like red Kool-Aid on the bathroom floor. As I am wiping it up I notice that it is blood not Kool-Aid and I can only assume it is from Pippa Lou as she had been sick earlier. So I get her, her food, the littler box, the laptop and my book in my bedroom to settle in for the night and watch her. I also call hubby and the vet to tell them about the blood puke spots. Then as I set on the bed all comfy cozy Pippa jumps off the bed and precedes to throw up again and again it is blood. At this point I am beyond concerned so I pack her up and we go to emergency vet. Now to go to Emergency vet we have to pay $77 just to walk in the dang door. So we get there and she is not happy with me. They weigh her and check her out and they can't find a reason for the puking but they want to do an x-ray. I agree to the tune of another $159. After the x-ray is read the dr. states she still can't find an issue other than Pippa is full of poop and her kidneys look a little larger than they should. So we decide Pippa may just be constipated so they are going to give her an enema, Zofran to stop the puking, a medication to help coat her tummy in case she has an ulcer and some fluids. Now we are looking at a $314 bill. We pay and I take my still lethargic kitten home; she pukes in the car but seems okay otherwise. Finally home again 2 hours later and on our way to bed again hopefully to stay this time.

Next morning rolls around and the vet calls, still being concerned about Pippa I make an appointment for later in the day.  Kyle is on Pippa duty and agrees to take her to vet. So while at the vet he is texting me. Our vet does another x-ray and finds what looks like a foreign body in her intestine. We are assuming it is her blankey that she holds in her mouth to go to sleep, bye bye blankey. As there is a foreign object in her intestine they need to do surgery. When they go in to do surgery they find out that there is no foreign body (YEA) but that her intestines are inflamed and irritated (as the vet said ANGRY) so they want to do a biopsy and see if she has FIP (feline infectious peritonitis) which is fatal or if she got into something she shouldn't have which is VERY likely as she is very nosey. We have to wait until Tuesday to get results but we can have our precious kitten back the next day. So we pick her up on Wednesday and her belly is all shaved and stitched closed and her neck is shaved (assuming it is for an IV). She is very lethargic but happy to be home. By Thursday she is almost back to her normal self and we are feeling good.

Friday rolls around and I decide to get her a collar shield thing as she is starting to lick her incision. While at the vet's to pay for the collar I am escorted into a room to talk to the other vet in the office (not our primary). Results are in and she did not get into something she shouldn't have (YEA) but she does have FIP, which as I said before is fatal, but at this point not a death sentence. We are going to our primary vet on Wednesday to see what all of this means for our sweet kitten and what we do from here on out. I refuse to put a 6 month old kitten to sleep but I also don't want her to be miserable and in pain. For now we just keep loving all over her and praying that she can battle this disease for a while.

Not sure what I will do if things go downhill too quickly or we are told that she has to be put to sleep. We got Pippa the week we put Libby to rest; therefore I have a HUGE attachment to Pippa and need her to stay around for a while for my mental health. Without Pippa or my baby girl I think I may actually break into a million pieces and cease to function.