I wonder what you would look like if you were here with me today.
Would you have red hair like your mommy or blond hair like your daddy? What color would your eyes be? Maybe blue or green or brown. Would you love running around the house or would you rather sit on my lap? What kind of stories would we read before bed? Would you sleep in late or have me up bright and early every day?
I will never know exactly what the future may have looked like, but I know that I will forever love you and hold you in my heart. Someday we will be together in heaven but until that day I will continue to see you in my dreams and feel your kisses with the breeze.
I love you Liberty Ann Klink forever and always.
Friday, March 30, 2012
One Year Ago Today
One year ago today I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl named Liberty Ann Klink. I was admitted to the hospital on March 28, 2011 as the blood flow from Liberty and I was not flowing correctly (absent diastolic). I was originally admitted for observation. Upon my admittance they did all the typical blood tests, etc. and I was told I could stay in my street clothes. When the results came back from my blood test they found that I had HELP syndrome (low liver enzyme, high platelet count) and I was placed on complete bed rest with a fetal monitor on and catheterized (something I have never had done before). They also started me on magnesium something as well as a shot of something in my hip. The rest of the night was fairly uneventful, except listening to Libby's wiggling around.
The next morning I had an ultrasound and Liberty was moving around quite a bit still and practice breathing (a good thing). I had more blood tests done and my liver and platelet numbers were trending in the right direction (trending was the popular word at the hospital). I was still not allowed to eat or drink and I was still on complete bed rest. I did get out of bed one time to go to the bathroom. Again the day was fairly uneventful until one of my all time favorite nurses (and best friends) came on duty as my nurse and I was told I could eat/drink a little. I got chicken soup broth, jell-o (which was not easy to find), toast, and LOTS of apple juice. At midnight I had to go NPO again in case I had to deliver the next day. Again we went to sleep listening to the beautiful sounds of Liberty kicking the fetal monitor.
March 30th, I had more blood tests and my liver and platelets were still trending the right way and I was allowed to eat yet again, YEA!!! unfortunately it only lasted for about 10 minutes. When they came in to do my daily ultrasound Liberty was move less and the blood issue was worst than the day before. So at 10 am they decided I was going to be prepped for an urgent c-section. So with two sips of root beer (I snuck it in while I had my ultrasound) I waited to go to surgery. Scared for the surgery as well as for my baby's life.
Kyle and I immediately called our parents to come to Ann Arbor to be there when Liberty made her grand entrance. little did we know it would be another 10 hours before I would be taken for my c-section. Between blood tests and doctors "thinking" it was a long day. Since I was on Lovenox/Heaprin they had to watch my clotting ability to decide if i could have an epidural. In the end and MANY pin pokes it was ruled that i could not be given an epidural safely and that I would be put under general anesthesia. This made me a little sad because i wouldn't get to see my baby right away nor would Kyle be able to be in the room. So FINALLY at 7:45 am all of the doctors cam into my room and wheeled me down to surgery. Kyle was able to sit right outside the OR and wait. Our parents went to the waiting room, which in hindsight was maybe not the best idea but no one was thinking straight.
So I go into the OR where I am listening to all the doctors talk and prep the room and then I am told to count backwards and I was OUT. Next thing I know I am in my room again with my in-laws, mother and husband talking and watching me. Of course i couldn't just wake up and be normal no I needed to make funny faces. My mouth was dry between my teeth and my lips but NO one could understand this and my lovely mother kept offering me chap stick. I finally was able to ask for pink spongy things to suck on. I know at some point during my delusional state Kyle told me our little girl was alive and in the NICU. While I continued to sleep off my anesthesia Kyle took my in-laws and my mom to the NICU to meet Liberty.
At about 3:30 am I was able to function well enough to ask Kyle to take me to the NICU to meet Liberty. She was SO small and pink and beautiful. The nurses talked to me a bit but I have NO idea what they said nor did/do I care. I wanted to sit there forever watching her. Unfortunately I was still doped on anesthesia and had to go back to my room to sleep.
From that day on my life became all about that beautiful little girl. I was in the NICU as much as I could be and did everything possible to make her comfortable and know she was loved. Sadly we lost her 20 days later but those 20 days were the best days of my life so far. Kyle and I miss her as much today on her one year birthday as we did on the day we ultimately let her return to heaven.
The next morning I had an ultrasound and Liberty was moving around quite a bit still and practice breathing (a good thing). I had more blood tests done and my liver and platelet numbers were trending in the right direction (trending was the popular word at the hospital). I was still not allowed to eat or drink and I was still on complete bed rest. I did get out of bed one time to go to the bathroom. Again the day was fairly uneventful until one of my all time favorite nurses (and best friends) came on duty as my nurse and I was told I could eat/drink a little. I got chicken soup broth, jell-o (which was not easy to find), toast, and LOTS of apple juice. At midnight I had to go NPO again in case I had to deliver the next day. Again we went to sleep listening to the beautiful sounds of Liberty kicking the fetal monitor.
March 30th, I had more blood tests and my liver and platelets were still trending the right way and I was allowed to eat yet again, YEA!!! unfortunately it only lasted for about 10 minutes. When they came in to do my daily ultrasound Liberty was move less and the blood issue was worst than the day before. So at 10 am they decided I was going to be prepped for an urgent c-section. So with two sips of root beer (I snuck it in while I had my ultrasound) I waited to go to surgery. Scared for the surgery as well as for my baby's life.
Kyle and I immediately called our parents to come to Ann Arbor to be there when Liberty made her grand entrance. little did we know it would be another 10 hours before I would be taken for my c-section. Between blood tests and doctors "thinking" it was a long day. Since I was on Lovenox/Heaprin they had to watch my clotting ability to decide if i could have an epidural. In the end and MANY pin pokes it was ruled that i could not be given an epidural safely and that I would be put under general anesthesia. This made me a little sad because i wouldn't get to see my baby right away nor would Kyle be able to be in the room. So FINALLY at 7:45 am all of the doctors cam into my room and wheeled me down to surgery. Kyle was able to sit right outside the OR and wait. Our parents went to the waiting room, which in hindsight was maybe not the best idea but no one was thinking straight.
So I go into the OR where I am listening to all the doctors talk and prep the room and then I am told to count backwards and I was OUT. Next thing I know I am in my room again with my in-laws, mother and husband talking and watching me. Of course i couldn't just wake up and be normal no I needed to make funny faces. My mouth was dry between my teeth and my lips but NO one could understand this and my lovely mother kept offering me chap stick. I finally was able to ask for pink spongy things to suck on. I know at some point during my delusional state Kyle told me our little girl was alive and in the NICU. While I continued to sleep off my anesthesia Kyle took my in-laws and my mom to the NICU to meet Liberty.
 |
| Liberty immediately after delivery. Her body was in a plastic bag to keep her moist. She weighed 1 lb. 1 oz and was 11 inches. |
At about 3:30 am I was able to function well enough to ask Kyle to take me to the NICU to meet Liberty. She was SO small and pink and beautiful. The nurses talked to me a bit but I have NO idea what they said nor did/do I care. I wanted to sit there forever watching her. Unfortunately I was still doped on anesthesia and had to go back to my room to sleep.
From that day on my life became all about that beautiful little girl. I was in the NICU as much as I could be and did everything possible to make her comfortable and know she was loved. Sadly we lost her 20 days later but those 20 days were the best days of my life so far. Kyle and I miss her as much today on her one year birthday as we did on the day we ultimately let her return to heaven.
 |
| Me touching Liberty's little hands and her little foot. She was SO tiny (think about 1/2 the size of a preemie cabbage patch doll) |
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| My little Diva, Liberty Ann Klink. This was in the first few days and she literally made the "whoah is me" move. |
Sunday, February 19, 2012
When, when, when
I want a baby and I want one NOW!!!
Now that, that is out I can rationally speak. A month ago Kyle and I went to see Maternal Fetal medicine peeps and we now have a pre-conception plan. With the pre-conception plan in place and knowing what we need to do, the want to be pregnant is stronger everyday. There are some things holding us back such as Kyle getting settled into a new job, me wanting to lose 25 more lbs., and getting past Liberty's birthday and death day.
Hopefully starting in May I can begin doing my basal body temps. again and start to see the pattern of my cycle and then maybe by Fall we will be "ready". Quite frankly I am not sure we will ever be ready, ready; it's going to be more like jumping into a freezing cold pool, one little toe in at a time.
All the reasons for needing/wanting to wait but I am still anxious to be pregnant, to feel a baby move inside me, to see my belly get huge, to be uncomfortable and swollen. Every time some one announces they are pregnant I want to run home and try to get pregnant as well. I know I need to deal with some more of my grief and get my emotional and mental strength back but I still really want to be pregnant. It is S-L-O-W-L-Y becoming about wanting to get pregnant with our next child not being pregnant to replace any of our children. I am finally at a place where I can say that no child will ever replace my sweet angel babies.
Also with the next pregnancy not only will we be anxious the entire 9 months but there is NOTHING magical about getting pregnant and no sweet way to tell Kyle once I am; as I have to start on medication before we can even try. Sure I can take the medicine in private but I only have a 2 month supply so Kyle has to be on board with me getting pregnant. With him being in the medical field he will know as soon as we start trying how long he has to wait for me to take a test and I can guarantee he will stand in the bathroom with me while I do it.
Growing up you always hear be careful you don't want to get pregnant, make sure you use protection you don't want to be pregnant, yadda yadda yadda. Now that I want to be pregnant and have children I have to not only not use protection (obviously), but poke myself, take a handful of vitamins and medications, wake up early and stick a thermometer in my mouth before I am truly awake, and as all of this is so sexy I then have to convince my wonderful husband that I am sexy and that we need to have sex RIGHT NOW!!!!!
Here's to hoping I soon get to write a blog post about being pregnant. For now I will look at Pintrest for cute baby things and cuddle with my fur babies.
Now that, that is out I can rationally speak. A month ago Kyle and I went to see Maternal Fetal medicine peeps and we now have a pre-conception plan. With the pre-conception plan in place and knowing what we need to do, the want to be pregnant is stronger everyday. There are some things holding us back such as Kyle getting settled into a new job, me wanting to lose 25 more lbs., and getting past Liberty's birthday and death day.
Hopefully starting in May I can begin doing my basal body temps. again and start to see the pattern of my cycle and then maybe by Fall we will be "ready". Quite frankly I am not sure we will ever be ready, ready; it's going to be more like jumping into a freezing cold pool, one little toe in at a time.
All the reasons for needing/wanting to wait but I am still anxious to be pregnant, to feel a baby move inside me, to see my belly get huge, to be uncomfortable and swollen. Every time some one announces they are pregnant I want to run home and try to get pregnant as well. I know I need to deal with some more of my grief and get my emotional and mental strength back but I still really want to be pregnant. It is S-L-O-W-L-Y becoming about wanting to get pregnant with our next child not being pregnant to replace any of our children. I am finally at a place where I can say that no child will ever replace my sweet angel babies.
Also with the next pregnancy not only will we be anxious the entire 9 months but there is NOTHING magical about getting pregnant and no sweet way to tell Kyle once I am; as I have to start on medication before we can even try. Sure I can take the medicine in private but I only have a 2 month supply so Kyle has to be on board with me getting pregnant. With him being in the medical field he will know as soon as we start trying how long he has to wait for me to take a test and I can guarantee he will stand in the bathroom with me while I do it.
Growing up you always hear be careful you don't want to get pregnant, make sure you use protection you don't want to be pregnant, yadda yadda yadda. Now that I want to be pregnant and have children I have to not only not use protection (obviously), but poke myself, take a handful of vitamins and medications, wake up early and stick a thermometer in my mouth before I am truly awake, and as all of this is so sexy I then have to convince my wonderful husband that I am sexy and that we need to have sex RIGHT NOW!!!!!
Here's to hoping I soon get to write a blog post about being pregnant. For now I will look at Pintrest for cute baby things and cuddle with my fur babies.
Monday, January 30, 2012
THE Doctor's appointment
So today was the day that we went to meet with the doctor to find out what the plan is for the next pregnancy. I know, I know, really you are going to try a fourth time??? and to that I say YES, yes we are. This will be our last pregnancy and d***it, it will work and I will have a baby here on Earth to hold and cuddle and kiss.
Anyways back to the doctor's appointment today. We went in and basically discussed what we had learned from hematology and reproductive endocrinologist, which was that normally my hormones are where they should be and that I don't seem to have any other medical issues that we need to deal with before trying again (ALLELUIA). We then talked about what we are going to do next time which is Plaquenil and Lovenox. Both medications will start at ovulation and continue till I don't know when. Well the Lovenox will be consistent to the entire pregnancy but the dosage is being lowered to 40 mg 1 time per day for the first 20 weeks and then 40mg twice a day for the last 20 weeks. I am also going to start doign Basal Body temps. again to get a hold of my cycles. If I have to medicate myself at ovulation I best figure out when ovulation occurs.
So now we have been given the go to start trying again which is verve wracking and not something we are thinking about until Summer or Fall. We also won't have any more doctor's appointments until I am pregnant again which is a little stressful to think about.
I will get pregnant, I will have a child, Everything will be GREAT.
Anyways back to the doctor's appointment today. We went in and basically discussed what we had learned from hematology and reproductive endocrinologist, which was that normally my hormones are where they should be and that I don't seem to have any other medical issues that we need to deal with before trying again (ALLELUIA). We then talked about what we are going to do next time which is Plaquenil and Lovenox. Both medications will start at ovulation and continue till I don't know when. Well the Lovenox will be consistent to the entire pregnancy but the dosage is being lowered to 40 mg 1 time per day for the first 20 weeks and then 40mg twice a day for the last 20 weeks. I am also going to start doign Basal Body temps. again to get a hold of my cycles. If I have to medicate myself at ovulation I best figure out when ovulation occurs.
So now we have been given the go to start trying again which is verve wracking and not something we are thinking about until Summer or Fall. We also won't have any more doctor's appointments until I am pregnant again which is a little stressful to think about.
I will get pregnant, I will have a child, Everything will be GREAT.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
An Unexpected Piece
I never thought I would say this...Exercise is a piece of my heart. A very tiny piece at this point but a piece non the less. I have found that I enjoy feeling my muscles work, the rapid beating of my heart, and the overall calm I feel after a work out. I still find I have to force myself to get up and go but once I do I never regret going and I even find myself doing more than I originally thought I would do.
9 weeks ago I started the couch to 5k program and was barely able to jog for more than 3 minutes. Now 9 weeks later I am jogging for 22 minutes straight and will soon start jogging 25 minutes. It is amazing how much stronger I feel and how much more I am able to push my body to do. Starting February 1st I am adding a daily ab workout in the hopes of seeing great results in my waist line.
For now I am off to change and do a small 30 minute workout at home.
9 weeks ago I started the couch to 5k program and was barely able to jog for more than 3 minutes. Now 9 weeks later I am jogging for 22 minutes straight and will soon start jogging 25 minutes. It is amazing how much stronger I feel and how much more I am able to push my body to do. Starting February 1st I am adding a daily ab workout in the hopes of seeing great results in my waist line.
For now I am off to change and do a small 30 minute workout at home.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Friends
I, actually we (hubby and I) have the greatest friends in the world. Today we went out to lunch with our friends for all the January and February birthdays (there are approximately 10 in 8 weeks time) and looking around the room I realized how loved we are and how much we love all of them. Every one those people that were there today are the people that we can count on no matter what (and a few that were unable to make it). We have laughed and cried with these people more than once. We turn to them for advice, humor, and love. I hope that we provide our friends with as much love and support that they provide for us. We never say it enough. THANK YOU for your friendship!!!
Monday, January 9, 2012
Why???
No one word in the English language reminds me more of a nosey 2 year old then the word why. We have all dealt with the child that says why to everything they are told. Why do I have to eat green beans? Why are they green? Why do they smell funny? why, why, WHY (it can go for hours if you let it).
Unfortunately, this is a word that has lived in my head for many, many months. Why have we lost 3 beautiful babies? Why can't the Dr.s help me carry a baby? why, why, WHY???? But today my why issues are not only for me but for a good friend of mine who miscarried a baby last year and has reached her due date. Why do good people keep losing their beautiful children so early in life? Why are we not given them for many, many, many years? Why are we "given" them at all if they are just going to be taken from us before we can even hold them?
Some people say "God has a plan", "believe in God" "and my favorite "There was a reason God took your child." Now after 3 losses I am hesitant to say that I feel God has a plan but I also have to cling to something even if it is a microscopic thread of belief. If I have no belief that there is an ultimate plan then I cannot believe that my day to be a mommy with not only beautiful angel babies but also earth (rainbow) babies will never come.
There are many people who mean well when saying the above phrases to a woman that has lost her child but as a woman who has lost her child they really do not console us or make us feel better in fact at least for myself they make me feel worse and madder at God. If he has a plan for me then why do I have three angel babies and not one baby in my arms? Why does my friend who has tried everything under the sun to have a baby mourning the child she should have delivered today? I do not see where God is at in all of this.
For all the mothers who have lost a baby I wish you peace and strength. No one should have to go through what we have gone through especially numerous times. I leave you with my favorite quote at the moment: People cry not because they're weak. It's because they've been strong for too long.
Unfortunately, this is a word that has lived in my head for many, many months. Why have we lost 3 beautiful babies? Why can't the Dr.s help me carry a baby? why, why, WHY???? But today my why issues are not only for me but for a good friend of mine who miscarried a baby last year and has reached her due date. Why do good people keep losing their beautiful children so early in life? Why are we not given them for many, many, many years? Why are we "given" them at all if they are just going to be taken from us before we can even hold them?
Some people say "God has a plan", "believe in God" "and my favorite "There was a reason God took your child." Now after 3 losses I am hesitant to say that I feel God has a plan but I also have to cling to something even if it is a microscopic thread of belief. If I have no belief that there is an ultimate plan then I cannot believe that my day to be a mommy with not only beautiful angel babies but also earth (rainbow) babies will never come.
There are many people who mean well when saying the above phrases to a woman that has lost her child but as a woman who has lost her child they really do not console us or make us feel better in fact at least for myself they make me feel worse and madder at God. If he has a plan for me then why do I have three angel babies and not one baby in my arms? Why does my friend who has tried everything under the sun to have a baby mourning the child she should have delivered today? I do not see where God is at in all of this.
For all the mothers who have lost a baby I wish you peace and strength. No one should have to go through what we have gone through especially numerous times. I leave you with my favorite quote at the moment: People cry not because they're weak. It's because they've been strong for too long.
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