Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Tears Were Shed

So today the hubby decided that we were going to go to the cemetery to make sure that our beautiful Liberty's headstone is correct and been placed at her spot. Before going I was having mini anxiety attacks and did NOT want to go, which made me feel more anxious. Once I got home and hubby got ready I was dragging my feet to get up and go and finally had the crying spell that was welling up inside me. I cried for a good 5 minutes, which got some of the anxiousness out of me. I mostly didn't want to go because seeing the headstone with her name on it made it SO real for me. Obviously, it is real to me everyday as I do not have her here with me but seeing her name on a headstone in the ground right below her sister's headstone was like a steel-toed boot kicking me in the heart. So anyways, I finally got myself together and we went to the cemetery where I kept it together for the most part. I also planted some flower bulbs that came from an arrangement I got while I was in the hospital after having Liberty. I said a little prayer to Liberty and Ziggy (our 1st lost baby), cleaned up the headstones and we left. We both felt comforted; me for finally going and getting over this hurdle and hubby for being able to see that the headstone is correct (had a lot of issues when ordering)  and that his little girl has been taken care of.

So then on the way to dinner Kyle brought up the topic of having another baby. This has been a touchy subject for us since I was pregnant with Liberty. When I got pregnant with Liberty Kyle told me then that it was going to be my last pregnancy because he could not continue going through the losses and the heartache as well as the anxiety over me being pregnant. So after we lost Liberty I wasn't sure where we were headed and in recent months we have been discussing surrogacy over me being pregnant. This is a viable option for me BUT I still have a deep desire to be pregnant one more time. Kyle has agreed that we can try one more time but that, that is the absolute last time no matter what happens. The plan has been since we began discussing this that we will do a surrogacy, then me pregnant, and then possibly adoption. After discussion in the car the plan maybe changing to me being pregnant first and then looking into other options. Quite frankly if I can successfully be pregnant and deliver a strong healthy baby I will be ECSTATIC with one child (a very spoiled one).

So now we are discussing me being pregnant (not for at least another almost 9 months) and waiting to see what my Maternal-Fetal medicine doctors say about what needs to be done for me to be pregnant. I am currently in the midst of getting blood work done with Reproductive Endocrinology to check hormones and from there we may go see a genetic counselor. We are also having Kyle tested for the clotting disorders, which if they come back positive means that together we are causing the baby to have a clotting disorder and the baby is therefore clotting the placenta not me.

Overall, I am happy and anxious thinking about being pregnant again. Oh and scared S***less that history will repeat itself for a fourth time but as I have 9 months to learn all I can and come to terms with everything that has happened I think I will be okay in the long run. Also if this is the path we are going to go down I need to get other things in my life straightened out and pregnant friendly.