Friday, September 28, 2012

Ramblings....

I don't really have a topic tonight or set thing I want to blog about but rather I have things on my mind that I want to share so tonight is about my ramblings and if you feel like giving advice feel free.

* Everytime I work out (mostly rollerblading) I think about how I will keep my activity up when I am pregnant and what I will do after I am pregnant. No, this is not because I am obsessed with pregnancy but rather I am obsessed with keeping all the weight I have lost off. Yes I know I will gain weight while pregnant but I want to keep weight gain to a minimum and I want to be a healthy pregnant woman.

* With thinking about pregnancy, I think of our beautiful angel babies and the pregnancies that gave my beautiful babies to me. All three pregnancies were "easy". I unfortunately gained wieght quickly but I felt good and overall I was healthy.

* Also with thinking about my past pregnancies and our girls I think about what I should have done differently while Libby was still here. I wish I had spent more time with her. I rationally know that I needed to sleep and take care of myself but all the times I sat in my hospital room watching TV, I wish I had been in the NICU watching her. I wish I had touched her more but I was SO afraid to make her sicker. I am so grateful for the time I did have with Libby I just wish I had, had so much more and that I had used the time I did have wiser.

* At times I am still distraught with grief over the loss of my girls

* When I am sad and upset I am able to find positive ways to deal with the pain and I can face and deal with the pain.

* I am physically, emotionally and mentally 100% stronger than I was a year ago. I have lost 82 lbs., I am training to run my second 5k and should be able to beat my previous time, and I am able to deal with my emotions and I have emotions other than sadness.

* I have wonderfully supportive family and friends.

* I am done rambling :) Thank you for sticking around and listening to my ramblings! Good Night

Footnote: no alcohol or other mind altering items were used prior to or after writing this.

Monday, September 17, 2012

A secret

I have a secret that I want to share (which will make it a non-secret but anyways). I deal with depression and I am not going to hide it or hide behind it. It is only an it, it does not define me or make me any less of a person. I am not like the TV commercials, I do laugh, I do find joy in life, but sometimes I don't but it's okay because I know I will get through and things will be sunny again.

There are some days that things are going really well for me and the depression does not get to me and there are other days that I want to hide. I have found that when I am stressed to my breaking is when I slip into these depressive times. I do not want to eat healthy, I do not want to work out, and for the most part I don't find I enjoy anything. For those who know me very well, I know they can see these moments in my interactions with them but for those who don't know me they see nothing but the happy woman I usually am.

I have learned to put a happy face on and let strangers/acquaintances believe that everything is okay while inside I am barely holding on. In the past I have been on medication to help with the depression and I have seen a psychiatrist which has helped immensely. I can now "see" the depression and as I try to make healthier choices in my life I have begun to try and find healthier ways to deal with my depression. I feel that I am lucky in that I no longer need the medication and the depression does not pull me under constantly and I am finding ways to deal with is but it is something I have to deal with.

I don't think enough people are willing to stand up and say they deal with depression, which makes it more of a stigma then it truly needs to be.  While depression is hard, for some (like myself) it is manageable and it's something that needs to be brought to light not hidden away.  I am learning through my weight loss and all the things they teach us at Weight Watchers that when you need help, you need to ask for it; that is exactly what I am trying to do in all aspects of my life. There are days I need help to put one foot in front of the other and there are some days I need help to not shove every fattening food into my mouth. There are other days that I don't need any help at all (for the most part these days occur more often).

So there is my secret. Nothing earth shattering or life altering but something I feel needs to be stated and dealt with. If I can get promote one more person to admit they need help in one way or another this blog post will have served a higher purpose than me just rambling.

Some of my favorite quotes that I think of when I feel down..


Friday, July 27, 2012

Fifty Shades of...Insanity

Before I start my review of the Fifty shades series I need to first state that I LOVE to read and for the most part I read trashy romance novels so with that I give you my review of Fifty Shades (SPOILERS included)


Okay so I will admit I succumbed to the peer pressure of the summer and read Fifty Shades of Grey, Fifty Shades Darker AND Fifty Shades Freed.
We were going on vacation and from what I heard these books sounded like good trashy beach reads. Not the case unless you are 12 and have NO idea about sex. First this is a book series that supposedly has gotten America’s women back into the bedroom…to do what???? I am sincerely hoping America’s women were not turned on by the sexual descriptions in these books because if so I suggest checking out Sandra Brown’s earlier books or anything by Carly Phillips, much trashier  and the women in those books call their private areas something other than …”down there.So now that I have finished the whole series, the “action” was a little better in the third book but….

Second these two have more sex than horny, sex addicted teenagers. Okay I understand being turned on by your significant other but EVERY time they looked at each other one or the other was alluding to sex, by the third book I was rolling my eyes saying... “AGAIN.” Obviously this is not real life based or the sex only lasts for 2 minutes each time (which is NOT good) because honestly there is not enough time in the day to have this much sex, eat, sleep, and work. Oh or argue because if they weren’t having sex they were most likely arguing about something or other, which would then lead to sex because as we all know sex solves EVERYTHING. I was “proud” of Christian for being able to sustain when Ana was injured. She on the other hand was insatiable!!
Also while from time to time Ana has a backbone for the most part she is a sniveling, naive woman and as a woman who has a backbone and does not cower under a man this irritated me. When he is finally giving her what she wants she continuously questions him and worries about being “right” for him.While reading book 2 at some point I wished I could step into the book,strangle her and yell “he said you are the one he loves, get it through your thick skull and move on” For a smart woman she was VERY dumb when it came to listening to the simple words that were coming out of Christian’s mouth.  And if we heard about her inner goddess once we heard about her 500 times!!! By the 20th time I saw Ana’s inner goddess referred to I skipped that section. Her inner goddess reminded me of Lizzie McGuire’s cartoon self in the Disney show Lizzie McGuire; when an issue came up the human Lizzie McGuire would “think” using her cartoon Lizzie McGuire...Anyways I digress.


These were books to pass the time while traveling but by the third book I think I only truly read 200 of the 451 (according to Kindle on iPhone) pages, this does not say much about the writing or really the storyline.  These books did not get me back in the bedroom (sorry Kyle) but they were okay one time reads, not really ownable as I will never pick them up again.


If you read these books what did you think and what made YOU pick them up????

Sunday, May 27, 2012

My Husband

I don't know if I say this enough but I love my husband. We are your ├╝ber cute couple. We both walk around with stars in our eyes for each other and we (mostly me) finish each others sentences. At times he can annoy the pants off of me (not literally, Kyle) but other days like today I am smitten with him to the Nth degree.

Today we went to Monsoon Lagoon (local waterpark) which is full of children. Through counseling and getting over my grief I have gotten better with dealing with the emotion that come up when I am surrounded by children especially babies. While it is still tough, I am not crying or left feeling come rely empty. Usually when surrounded by children I will say "I want one" to which my wonderful husband will answer with a hug and "we will have one". He dies not condem me for stating my hurt or my desire but instead embraces what it means to me.

Without Kyle I am not sure if I would be as strong as I am. I owe him the world for being there for me and always letting me feel the way I need to feel to heal.

For all the times I may not have said it I Love You and Thank You!

The love of my life, daddy to our angel babies, our future children, and our fur babies

Saturday, April 14, 2012

How Will I Know

So lately I have been thinking quite a bit about being pregnant again. It could be because Libby has been on my mind a lot lately or the fact that I am 15 pounds away from goal weight; but no matter the reason it has been on my mind a lot. With the idea of being pregnant again the thought comes up of how will I know when I/we are ready. We have been through this two times prior and I thought both of those times that we were ready and I am not sure if we were. With the lose of Ziggy we waited awhile to try again and didn't end up getting pregnant a second time until 13 months after losing her. The next time I tried to get pregnant it was within a month or so of losing the second baby. Now looking back I realized that I should have done then what I am doing now but I wanted to fill the void and move on, not deal with the pain. After losing Liberty, Kyle blatantly told me that we are NOT trying for a year (and it takes two to make a baby). So for the past year we have focused on our relationship, on our grief and on life in general. I have focused especially on my weight and becoming a healthier human, which now I wish I had done before getting pregnant with Liberty.

Maybe if I was healthier before getting pregnant with her things would have gone better but truly I think I needed to find the bottom of the barrel to get myself to this point. It wasn't until I had hit rock bottom and was possibly facing never being pregnant again that I found the motivation I needed to get healthy and be a stronger personal physically and mentally.

So now here we are a year later and I am asking myself "how will I know when we are ready?" I know that I HAVE to hit my goal weight and sustain Lifetime status at Weight Watchers, I know I need to stop taking anti-depressants, and I know Kyle has to be ready, but how will I truly know we are ready and not just covering up the hurt still? Is it possible to have divine intervention? We can't just start trying due to my medical needs so Kyle and I will have to actually decide when to start trying and that is frightening. Once we decide to start trying the likelihood of me getting pregnant fairly quickly is very likely. So how can we willingly say yes we are willing to try again knowing what maybe in store. God willing we will NOT go through this tragedy a 4th time and the Dr. we are working with is very confident that the new medication they are going to add to my regiment will help; but still I am scared shitless.

I don't think that feeling is ever going to go away so I can't say I know I am ready when I don't immediately think "Holy Shit" and pregnant at the same time. I have started having baby dreams; which could be the divine intervention I am seeking or it's all the Toddlers & Tiaras I keep watching (yes i really watch it, it's my dirty little secret). I am anxious and excited to be pregnant again and every time someone in the entire world says that they are pregnant my heart drops a little because it's not me and I want to be so badly. All three times I have been pregnant I have loved it and felt fairly calm but this time is our LAST time and I know as much as I will love being pregnant I will also be quite anxious and worried.

At this point I just don't know. It's like a stereotypical conscience conversation; angel on one side, devil on the other except in my case it's baby on one shoulder and anxiety on the other. Both make sense to me and I don't think either will go away no matter what. I need the divine intervention or the faith to just jump in. Until one or the other comes along I guess i will jsut continue to work on my weight loss and trying to figure it out.

Friday, March 30, 2012

I Wonder....

I wonder what you would look like if you were here with me today.

Would you have red hair like your mommy or blond hair like your daddy? What color would your eyes be? Maybe blue or green or brown. Would you love running around the house or would you rather sit on my lap? What kind of stories would we read before bed? Would you sleep in late or have me up bright and early every day?

I will never know exactly what the future may have looked like, but I know that I will forever love you and hold you in my heart. Someday we will be together in heaven but until that day I will continue to see you in my dreams and feel your kisses with the breeze.

I love you Liberty Ann Klink forever and always.

One Year Ago Today

One year ago today I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl named Liberty Ann Klink. I was admitted to the hospital on March 28, 2011 as the blood flow from Liberty and I was not flowing correctly (absent diastolic). I was originally admitted for observation. Upon my admittance they did all the typical blood tests, etc. and I was told I could stay in my street clothes. When the results came back from my blood test they found that I had HELP syndrome (low liver enzyme, high platelet count) and I was placed on complete bed rest with a fetal monitor on and catheterized (something I have never had done before). They also started me on magnesium something as well as a shot of something in my hip. The rest of the night was fairly uneventful, except listening to Libby's wiggling around.

The next morning I had an ultrasound and Liberty was moving around quite a bit still and practice breathing (a good thing). I had more blood tests done and my liver and platelet numbers were trending in the right direction (trending was the popular word at the hospital). I was still not allowed to eat or drink and I was still on complete bed rest. I did get out of bed one time to go to the bathroom. Again the day was fairly uneventful until one of my all time favorite nurses (and best friends) came on duty as my nurse and I was told I could eat/drink a little. I got chicken soup broth, jell-o (which was not easy to find), toast, and LOTS of apple juice. At midnight I had to go NPO again in case I had to deliver the next day. Again we went to sleep listening to the beautiful sounds of Liberty kicking the fetal monitor.

March 30th, I had more blood tests and my liver and platelets were still trending the right way and I was allowed to eat yet again, YEA!!! unfortunately it only lasted for about 10 minutes. When they came in to do my daily ultrasound Liberty was move less and the blood issue was worst than the day before. So at 10 am they decided I was going to be prepped for an urgent c-section. So with two sips of root beer (I snuck it in while I had my ultrasound) I waited to go to surgery. Scared for the surgery as well as for my baby's life.

Kyle and I immediately called our parents to come to Ann Arbor to be there when Liberty made her grand entrance. little did we know it would be another 10 hours before I would be taken for my c-section. Between blood tests and doctors "thinking" it was a long day. Since I was on Lovenox/Heaprin they had to watch my clotting ability to decide if i could have an epidural. In the end and MANY pin pokes it was ruled that i could not be given an epidural safely and that I would be put under general anesthesia. This made me a little sad because i wouldn't get to see my baby right away nor would Kyle be able to be in the room. So FINALLY at 7:45 am all of the doctors cam into my room and wheeled me down to surgery. Kyle was able to sit right outside the OR and wait. Our parents went to the waiting room, which in hindsight was maybe not the best idea but no one was thinking straight.

So I go into the OR where I am listening to all the doctors talk and prep the room and then I am told to count backwards and I was OUT. Next thing I know I am in my room again with my in-laws, mother and husband talking and watching me. Of course i couldn't just wake up and be normal no I needed to make funny faces. My mouth was dry between my teeth and my lips but NO one could understand this and my lovely mother kept offering me chap stick. I finally was able to ask for pink spongy things to suck on. I know at some point during my delusional state Kyle told me our little girl was alive and in the NICU. While I continued to sleep off my anesthesia Kyle took my in-laws and my mom to the NICU to meet Liberty.
Liberty immediately after delivery. Her body was in a plastic bag to keep her moist. She weighed 1 lb. 1 oz and was 11 inches.

At about 3:30 am I was able to function well enough to ask Kyle to take me to the NICU to meet Liberty. She was SO small and pink and beautiful. The nurses talked to me a bit but I have NO idea what they said nor did/do I care. I wanted to sit there forever watching her. Unfortunately I was still doped on anesthesia and had to go back to my room to sleep.

From that day on my life became all about that beautiful little girl. I was in the NICU as much as I could be and did everything possible to make her comfortable and know she was loved. Sadly we lost her 20 days later but those 20 days were the best days of my life so far. Kyle and I miss her as much today on her one year birthday as we did on the day we ultimately let her return to heaven.


Me touching Liberty's little hands and her little foot. She was SO tiny (think about 1/2 the size of a preemie cabbage patch doll)

My little Diva, Liberty Ann Klink. This was in the first few days and she literally made the "whoah is me" move.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

When, when, when

I want a baby and I want one NOW!!!

Now that, that is out I can rationally speak. A month ago Kyle and I went to see Maternal Fetal medicine peeps and we now have a pre-conception plan. With the pre-conception plan in place and knowing what we need to do, the want to be pregnant is stronger everyday. There are some things holding us back such as Kyle getting settled into a new job, me wanting to lose 25 more lbs., and getting past Liberty's birthday and death day.

Hopefully starting in May I can begin doing my basal body temps. again and start to see the pattern of my cycle and then maybe by Fall we will be "ready". Quite frankly I am not sure we will ever be ready, ready; it's going to be more like jumping into a freezing cold pool, one little toe in at a time.

All the reasons for needing/wanting to wait but I am still anxious to be pregnant, to feel a baby move inside me, to see my belly get huge, to be uncomfortable and swollen. Every time some one announces they are pregnant I want to run home and try to get pregnant as well. I know I need to deal with some more of my grief and get my emotional and mental strength back but I still really want to be pregnant. It is S-L-O-W-L-Y becoming about wanting to get pregnant with our next child not being pregnant to replace any of our children. I am finally at a place where I can say that no child will ever replace my sweet angel babies.

Also with the next pregnancy not only will we be anxious the entire 9 months but there is NOTHING magical about getting pregnant and no sweet way to tell Kyle once I am; as I have to start on medication before we can even try. Sure I can take the medicine in private but I only have a 2 month supply so Kyle has to be on board with me getting pregnant. With him being in the medical field he will know as soon as we start trying how long he has to wait for me to take a test and I can guarantee he will stand in the bathroom with me while I do it.

Growing up you always hear be careful you don't want to get pregnant, make sure you use protection you don't want to be pregnant, yadda yadda yadda. Now that I want to be pregnant and have children I have to not only not use protection (obviously), but poke myself, take a handful of vitamins and medications, wake up early and stick a thermometer in my mouth before I am truly awake, and as all of this is so sexy I then have to convince my wonderful husband that I am sexy and that we need to have sex RIGHT NOW!!!!!

Here's to hoping I soon get to write a blog post about being pregnant. For now I will look at Pintrest for cute baby things and cuddle with my fur babies.

Monday, January 30, 2012

THE Doctor's appointment

So today was the day that we went to meet with the doctor to find out what the plan is for the next pregnancy. I know, I know, really you are going to try a fourth time??? and to that I say YES, yes we are. This will be our last pregnancy and d***it, it will work and I will have a baby here on Earth to hold and cuddle and kiss.

Anyways back to the doctor's appointment today. We went in and basically discussed what we had learned from hematology and reproductive endocrinologist, which was that normally my hormones are where they should be and that I don't seem to have any other medical issues that we need to deal with before trying again (ALLELUIA). We then talked about what we are going to do next time which is Plaquenil and Lovenox. Both medications will start at ovulation and continue till I don't know when. Well the Lovenox will be consistent to the entire pregnancy but the dosage is being lowered to 40 mg 1 time per day for the first 20 weeks and then 40mg twice a day for the last 20 weeks. I am also going to start doign Basal Body temps. again to get a hold of my cycles. If I have to medicate myself at ovulation I best figure out when ovulation occurs.
So now we have been given the go to start trying again which is verve wracking and not something we are thinking about until Summer or Fall. We also won't have any more doctor's appointments until I am pregnant again which is a little stressful to think about.

I will get pregnant, I will have a child, Everything will be GREAT.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

An Unexpected Piece

I never thought I would say this...Exercise is a piece of my heart. A very tiny piece at this point but a piece non the less. I have found that I enjoy feeling my muscles work, the rapid beating of my heart, and the overall calm I feel after a work out. I still find I have to force myself to get up and go but once I do I never regret going and I even find myself doing more than I originally thought I would do.

9 weeks ago I started the couch to 5k program and was barely able to jog for more than 3 minutes. Now 9 weeks later I am jogging for 22 minutes straight and will soon start jogging 25 minutes. It is amazing how much stronger I feel and how much more I am able to push my body to do. Starting February 1st I am adding a daily ab workout in the hopes of seeing great results in my waist line.

For now I am off to change and do a small 30 minute workout at home.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Friends

I, actually we (hubby and I) have the greatest friends in the world. Today we went out to lunch with our friends for all the January and February birthdays (there are approximately 10 in 8 weeks time) and looking around the room I realized how loved we are and how much we love all of them. Every one those people that were there today are the people that we can count on no matter what (and a few that were unable to make it). We have laughed and cried with these people more than once. We turn to them for advice, humor, and love. I hope that we provide our friends with as much love and support that they provide for us. We never say it enough. THANK YOU for your friendship!!!

Monday, January 9, 2012

Why???

No one word in the English language reminds me more of a nosey 2 year old then the word why. We have all dealt with the child that says why to everything they are told. Why do I have to eat green beans? Why are they green? Why do they smell funny? why, why, WHY (it can go for hours if you let it).

Unfortunately, this is a word that has lived in my head for many, many months. Why have we lost 3 beautiful babies? Why can't the Dr.s help me carry a baby? why, why, WHY???? But today my why issues are not only for me but for a good friend of mine who miscarried a baby last year and has reached her due date. Why do good people keep losing their beautiful children so early in life? Why are we not given them for many, many, many years? Why are we "given" them at all if they are just going to be taken from us before we can even hold them? 

Some people say "God has a plan", "believe in God" "and my favorite "There was a reason God took your child." Now after 3 losses I am hesitant to say that I feel God has a plan but I also have to cling to something even if it is a microscopic thread of belief. If I have no belief that there is an ultimate plan then I cannot believe that my day to be a mommy with not only beautiful angel babies but also earth (rainbow) babies will never come.

There are many people who mean well when saying the above phrases to a woman that has lost her child but as a woman who has lost her child they really do not console us or make us feel better in fact at least for myself they make me feel worse and madder at God. If he has a plan for me then why do I have three angel babies and not one baby in my arms? Why does my friend who has tried everything under the sun to have a baby mourning the child she should have delivered today? I do not see where God is at in all of this.

For all the mothers who have lost a baby I wish you peace and strength. No one should have to go through what we have gone through especially numerous times. I leave you with my favorite quote at the moment: People cry not because they're weak. It's because they've been strong for too long.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

One of My Many Pieces

Today for some odd reason Pippa Lou has decided to love me. Before I explain how Pippa Lou is all about loving me I need to explain Pippa Lou. For the most part she is a cold hearted witch with a B. She does not like to be touched, she does not like to be held, she watches everyone's every move to make sure they are coming nowhere near her, she hisses when she is mad and she will also nip at your hand if she is really mad.

So now today I come home from work and end up falling asleep on the couch for a bit. While I am asleep, Pippa crawled up on the couch with me and fell asleep as well. She was quite content and probably would have stayed there awhile but I had to get up. While my dinner was cooking she curled up on my lap and then while I ate she curled up on my lap and is now sound asleep and allowing me to pet her.

They say pets sense illness and problems, but I don't know of anything being wrong with me except for my monthly friend coming so no idea why Pippa is so loving but I am enjoying it; even though my legs feel asleep 5 minutes ago as I am sitting on the couch Indian style.

Monday, January 2, 2012

New Year, New Resolution, New Me???

I started this blog months ago yet I have only posted several times so as many find themselves doing at this time of year I am making resolutions for the new year and one of them is going to be to update this blog on a regular basis. My other resolutions are:

1. Keep working on my weight loss and exercise. So far with the help of Weight Watchers I have been able to lose 50.4 lbs., I am 5 weeks into doing the couch to 5K program and I am planning on running a 5k in the Spring, I have become more physically fit, my blood pressure is normal, and my hormone levels have become stable and at a normal range.

2. Stand up for myself and tell people what I need. Too often I do not tell people what I need or how I am feeling but rather hold my emotions/comments in so that I do not offend others. While this is a good practice in life generally going through what Kyle and i have been through I need to be able to tell people when i am sad or that what they have said offends me.

3. Enjoy my husband and our relationship. Kyle and I have been together going on 8 years and have been married for almost 5 years. In that time we have moved 5 times; once in with family, have both been in school; Kyle to get his Associates in Nursing and I to get my Master's in Administration, we have lost three beautiful babies and have found that there are complications to me being pregnant, and we have been so broke that we had to scrounge for $1.00 to buy an ice cream cone to split.

Overall, my personal theme for this year is...ME. I will become the best me that I can be and I will work on enjoying life. I wish all of you a very wonderful 2012.