Friday, September 28, 2012


I don't really have a topic tonight or set thing I want to blog about but rather I have things on my mind that I want to share so tonight is about my ramblings and if you feel like giving advice feel free.

* Everytime I work out (mostly rollerblading) I think about how I will keep my activity up when I am pregnant and what I will do after I am pregnant. No, this is not because I am obsessed with pregnancy but rather I am obsessed with keeping all the weight I have lost off. Yes I know I will gain weight while pregnant but I want to keep weight gain to a minimum and I want to be a healthy pregnant woman.

* With thinking about pregnancy, I think of our beautiful angel babies and the pregnancies that gave my beautiful babies to me. All three pregnancies were "easy". I unfortunately gained wieght quickly but I felt good and overall I was healthy.

* Also with thinking about my past pregnancies and our girls I think about what I should have done differently while Libby was still here. I wish I had spent more time with her. I rationally know that I needed to sleep and take care of myself but all the times I sat in my hospital room watching TV, I wish I had been in the NICU watching her. I wish I had touched her more but I was SO afraid to make her sicker. I am so grateful for the time I did have with Libby I just wish I had, had so much more and that I had used the time I did have wiser.

* At times I am still distraught with grief over the loss of my girls

* When I am sad and upset I am able to find positive ways to deal with the pain and I can face and deal with the pain.

* I am physically, emotionally and mentally 100% stronger than I was a year ago. I have lost 82 lbs., I am training to run my second 5k and should be able to beat my previous time, and I am able to deal with my emotions and I have emotions other than sadness.

* I have wonderfully supportive family and friends.

* I am done rambling :) Thank you for sticking around and listening to my ramblings! Good Night

Footnote: no alcohol or other mind altering items were used prior to or after writing this.

Monday, September 17, 2012

A secret

I have a secret that I want to share (which will make it a non-secret but anyways). I deal with depression and I am not going to hide it or hide behind it. It is only an it, it does not define me or make me any less of a person. I am not like the TV commercials, I do laugh, I do find joy in life, but sometimes I don't but it's okay because I know I will get through and things will be sunny again.

There are some days that things are going really well for me and the depression does not get to me and there are other days that I want to hide. I have found that when I am stressed to my breaking is when I slip into these depressive times. I do not want to eat healthy, I do not want to work out, and for the most part I don't find I enjoy anything. For those who know me very well, I know they can see these moments in my interactions with them but for those who don't know me they see nothing but the happy woman I usually am.

I have learned to put a happy face on and let strangers/acquaintances believe that everything is okay while inside I am barely holding on. In the past I have been on medication to help with the depression and I have seen a psychiatrist which has helped immensely. I can now "see" the depression and as I try to make healthier choices in my life I have begun to try and find healthier ways to deal with my depression. I feel that I am lucky in that I no longer need the medication and the depression does not pull me under constantly and I am finding ways to deal with is but it is something I have to deal with.

I don't think enough people are willing to stand up and say they deal with depression, which makes it more of a stigma then it truly needs to be.  While depression is hard, for some (like myself) it is manageable and it's something that needs to be brought to light not hidden away.  I am learning through my weight loss and all the things they teach us at Weight Watchers that when you need help, you need to ask for it; that is exactly what I am trying to do in all aspects of my life. There are days I need help to put one foot in front of the other and there are some days I need help to not shove every fattening food into my mouth. There are other days that I don't need any help at all (for the most part these days occur more often).

So there is my secret. Nothing earth shattering or life altering but something I feel needs to be stated and dealt with. If I can get promote one more person to admit they need help in one way or another this blog post will have served a higher purpose than me just rambling.

Some of my favorite quotes that I think of when I feel down..