Saturday, April 14, 2012

How Will I Know

So lately I have been thinking quite a bit about being pregnant again. It could be because Libby has been on my mind a lot lately or the fact that I am 15 pounds away from goal weight; but no matter the reason it has been on my mind a lot. With the idea of being pregnant again the thought comes up of how will I know when I/we are ready. We have been through this two times prior and I thought both of those times that we were ready and I am not sure if we were. With the lose of Ziggy we waited awhile to try again and didn't end up getting pregnant a second time until 13 months after losing her. The next time I tried to get pregnant it was within a month or so of losing the second baby. Now looking back I realized that I should have done then what I am doing now but I wanted to fill the void and move on, not deal with the pain. After losing Liberty, Kyle blatantly told me that we are NOT trying for a year (and it takes two to make a baby). So for the past year we have focused on our relationship, on our grief and on life in general. I have focused especially on my weight and becoming a healthier human, which now I wish I had done before getting pregnant with Liberty.

Maybe if I was healthier before getting pregnant with her things would have gone better but truly I think I needed to find the bottom of the barrel to get myself to this point. It wasn't until I had hit rock bottom and was possibly facing never being pregnant again that I found the motivation I needed to get healthy and be a stronger personal physically and mentally.

So now here we are a year later and I am asking myself "how will I know when we are ready?" I know that I HAVE to hit my goal weight and sustain Lifetime status at Weight Watchers, I know I need to stop taking anti-depressants, and I know Kyle has to be ready, but how will I truly know we are ready and not just covering up the hurt still? Is it possible to have divine intervention? We can't just start trying due to my medical needs so Kyle and I will have to actually decide when to start trying and that is frightening. Once we decide to start trying the likelihood of me getting pregnant fairly quickly is very likely. So how can we willingly say yes we are willing to try again knowing what maybe in store. God willing we will NOT go through this tragedy a 4th time and the Dr. we are working with is very confident that the new medication they are going to add to my regiment will help; but still I am scared shitless.

I don't think that feeling is ever going to go away so I can't say I know I am ready when I don't immediately think "Holy Shit" and pregnant at the same time. I have started having baby dreams; which could be the divine intervention I am seeking or it's all the Toddlers & Tiaras I keep watching (yes i really watch it, it's my dirty little secret). I am anxious and excited to be pregnant again and every time someone in the entire world says that they are pregnant my heart drops a little because it's not me and I want to be so badly. All three times I have been pregnant I have loved it and felt fairly calm but this time is our LAST time and I know as much as I will love being pregnant I will also be quite anxious and worried.

At this point I just don't know. It's like a stereotypical conscience conversation; angel on one side, devil on the other except in my case it's baby on one shoulder and anxiety on the other. Both make sense to me and I don't think either will go away no matter what. I need the divine intervention or the faith to just jump in. Until one or the other comes along I guess i will jsut continue to work on my weight loss and trying to figure it out.