Friday, March 30, 2012

I Wonder....

I wonder what you would look like if you were here with me today.

Would you have red hair like your mommy or blond hair like your daddy? What color would your eyes be? Maybe blue or green or brown. Would you love running around the house or would you rather sit on my lap? What kind of stories would we read before bed? Would you sleep in late or have me up bright and early every day?

I will never know exactly what the future may have looked like, but I know that I will forever love you and hold you in my heart. Someday we will be together in heaven but until that day I will continue to see you in my dreams and feel your kisses with the breeze.

I love you Liberty Ann Klink forever and always.

One Year Ago Today

One year ago today I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl named Liberty Ann Klink. I was admitted to the hospital on March 28, 2011 as the blood flow from Liberty and I was not flowing correctly (absent diastolic). I was originally admitted for observation. Upon my admittance they did all the typical blood tests, etc. and I was told I could stay in my street clothes. When the results came back from my blood test they found that I had HELP syndrome (low liver enzyme, high platelet count) and I was placed on complete bed rest with a fetal monitor on and catheterized (something I have never had done before). They also started me on magnesium something as well as a shot of something in my hip. The rest of the night was fairly uneventful, except listening to Libby's wiggling around.

The next morning I had an ultrasound and Liberty was moving around quite a bit still and practice breathing (a good thing). I had more blood tests done and my liver and platelet numbers were trending in the right direction (trending was the popular word at the hospital). I was still not allowed to eat or drink and I was still on complete bed rest. I did get out of bed one time to go to the bathroom. Again the day was fairly uneventful until one of my all time favorite nurses (and best friends) came on duty as my nurse and I was told I could eat/drink a little. I got chicken soup broth, jell-o (which was not easy to find), toast, and LOTS of apple juice. At midnight I had to go NPO again in case I had to deliver the next day. Again we went to sleep listening to the beautiful sounds of Liberty kicking the fetal monitor.

March 30th, I had more blood tests and my liver and platelets were still trending the right way and I was allowed to eat yet again, YEA!!! unfortunately it only lasted for about 10 minutes. When they came in to do my daily ultrasound Liberty was move less and the blood issue was worst than the day before. So at 10 am they decided I was going to be prepped for an urgent c-section. So with two sips of root beer (I snuck it in while I had my ultrasound) I waited to go to surgery. Scared for the surgery as well as for my baby's life.

Kyle and I immediately called our parents to come to Ann Arbor to be there when Liberty made her grand entrance. little did we know it would be another 10 hours before I would be taken for my c-section. Between blood tests and doctors "thinking" it was a long day. Since I was on Lovenox/Heaprin they had to watch my clotting ability to decide if i could have an epidural. In the end and MANY pin pokes it was ruled that i could not be given an epidural safely and that I would be put under general anesthesia. This made me a little sad because i wouldn't get to see my baby right away nor would Kyle be able to be in the room. So FINALLY at 7:45 am all of the doctors cam into my room and wheeled me down to surgery. Kyle was able to sit right outside the OR and wait. Our parents went to the waiting room, which in hindsight was maybe not the best idea but no one was thinking straight.

So I go into the OR where I am listening to all the doctors talk and prep the room and then I am told to count backwards and I was OUT. Next thing I know I am in my room again with my in-laws, mother and husband talking and watching me. Of course i couldn't just wake up and be normal no I needed to make funny faces. My mouth was dry between my teeth and my lips but NO one could understand this and my lovely mother kept offering me chap stick. I finally was able to ask for pink spongy things to suck on. I know at some point during my delusional state Kyle told me our little girl was alive and in the NICU. While I continued to sleep off my anesthesia Kyle took my in-laws and my mom to the NICU to meet Liberty.
Liberty immediately after delivery. Her body was in a plastic bag to keep her moist. She weighed 1 lb. 1 oz and was 11 inches.

At about 3:30 am I was able to function well enough to ask Kyle to take me to the NICU to meet Liberty. She was SO small and pink and beautiful. The nurses talked to me a bit but I have NO idea what they said nor did/do I care. I wanted to sit there forever watching her. Unfortunately I was still doped on anesthesia and had to go back to my room to sleep.

From that day on my life became all about that beautiful little girl. I was in the NICU as much as I could be and did everything possible to make her comfortable and know she was loved. Sadly we lost her 20 days later but those 20 days were the best days of my life so far. Kyle and I miss her as much today on her one year birthday as we did on the day we ultimately let her return to heaven.

Me touching Liberty's little hands and her little foot. She was SO tiny (think about 1/2 the size of a preemie cabbage patch doll)

My little Diva, Liberty Ann Klink. This was in the first few days and she literally made the "whoah is me" move.