Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Tears Were Shed

So today the hubby decided that we were going to go to the cemetery to make sure that our beautiful Liberty's headstone is correct and been placed at her spot. Before going I was having mini anxiety attacks and did NOT want to go, which made me feel more anxious. Once I got home and hubby got ready I was dragging my feet to get up and go and finally had the crying spell that was welling up inside me. I cried for a good 5 minutes, which got some of the anxiousness out of me. I mostly didn't want to go because seeing the headstone with her name on it made it SO real for me. Obviously, it is real to me everyday as I do not have her here with me but seeing her name on a headstone in the ground right below her sister's headstone was like a steel-toed boot kicking me in the heart. So anyways, I finally got myself together and we went to the cemetery where I kept it together for the most part. I also planted some flower bulbs that came from an arrangement I got while I was in the hospital after having Liberty. I said a little prayer to Liberty and Ziggy (our 1st lost baby), cleaned up the headstones and we left. We both felt comforted; me for finally going and getting over this hurdle and hubby for being able to see that the headstone is correct (had a lot of issues when ordering)  and that his little girl has been taken care of.

So then on the way to dinner Kyle brought up the topic of having another baby. This has been a touchy subject for us since I was pregnant with Liberty. When I got pregnant with Liberty Kyle told me then that it was going to be my last pregnancy because he could not continue going through the losses and the heartache as well as the anxiety over me being pregnant. So after we lost Liberty I wasn't sure where we were headed and in recent months we have been discussing surrogacy over me being pregnant. This is a viable option for me BUT I still have a deep desire to be pregnant one more time. Kyle has agreed that we can try one more time but that, that is the absolute last time no matter what happens. The plan has been since we began discussing this that we will do a surrogacy, then me pregnant, and then possibly adoption. After discussion in the car the plan maybe changing to me being pregnant first and then looking into other options. Quite frankly if I can successfully be pregnant and deliver a strong healthy baby I will be ECSTATIC with one child (a very spoiled one).

So now we are discussing me being pregnant (not for at least another almost 9 months) and waiting to see what my Maternal-Fetal medicine doctors say about what needs to be done for me to be pregnant. I am currently in the midst of getting blood work done with Reproductive Endocrinology to check hormones and from there we may go see a genetic counselor. We are also having Kyle tested for the clotting disorders, which if they come back positive means that together we are causing the baby to have a clotting disorder and the baby is therefore clotting the placenta not me.

Overall, I am happy and anxious thinking about being pregnant again. Oh and scared S***less that history will repeat itself for a fourth time but as I have 9 months to learn all I can and come to terms with everything that has happened I think I will be okay in the long run. Also if this is the path we are going to go down I need to get other things in my life straightened out and pregnant friendly.

Saturday, September 3, 2011


So life has been fairly good lately. Back to work, lost 30 lbs., still working out and continuing to build a great relationship with my hubby again. That is until this past Monday. Monday night after I got home from work our oldest kitten, Pippa Lou was throwing up. At first it looked like a hairball issue so I was not too concerned just annoyed with cleaning up the puke (especially since hubby was awake and just looking at it). After cleaning up I got ready for WW and headed out with mom. I got home around 9pm and found about a dozen spots of what looked like red Kool-Aid on the bathroom floor. As I am wiping it up I notice that it is blood not Kool-Aid and I can only assume it is from Pippa Lou as she had been sick earlier. So I get her, her food, the littler box, the laptop and my book in my bedroom to settle in for the night and watch her. I also call hubby and the vet to tell them about the blood puke spots. Then as I set on the bed all comfy cozy Pippa jumps off the bed and precedes to throw up again and again it is blood. At this point I am beyond concerned so I pack her up and we go to emergency vet. Now to go to Emergency vet we have to pay $77 just to walk in the dang door. So we get there and she is not happy with me. They weigh her and check her out and they can't find a reason for the puking but they want to do an x-ray. I agree to the tune of another $159. After the x-ray is read the dr. states she still can't find an issue other than Pippa is full of poop and her kidneys look a little larger than they should. So we decide Pippa may just be constipated so they are going to give her an enema, Zofran to stop the puking, a medication to help coat her tummy in case she has an ulcer and some fluids. Now we are looking at a $314 bill. We pay and I take my still lethargic kitten home; she pukes in the car but seems okay otherwise. Finally home again 2 hours later and on our way to bed again hopefully to stay this time.

Next morning rolls around and the vet calls, still being concerned about Pippa I make an appointment for later in the day.  Kyle is on Pippa duty and agrees to take her to vet. So while at the vet he is texting me. Our vet does another x-ray and finds what looks like a foreign body in her intestine. We are assuming it is her blankey that she holds in her mouth to go to sleep, bye bye blankey. As there is a foreign object in her intestine they need to do surgery. When they go in to do surgery they find out that there is no foreign body (YEA) but that her intestines are inflamed and irritated (as the vet said ANGRY) so they want to do a biopsy and see if she has FIP (feline infectious peritonitis) which is fatal or if she got into something she shouldn't have which is VERY likely as she is very nosey. We have to wait until Tuesday to get results but we can have our precious kitten back the next day. So we pick her up on Wednesday and her belly is all shaved and stitched closed and her neck is shaved (assuming it is for an IV). She is very lethargic but happy to be home. By Thursday she is almost back to her normal self and we are feeling good.

Friday rolls around and I decide to get her a collar shield thing as she is starting to lick her incision. While at the vet's to pay for the collar I am escorted into a room to talk to the other vet in the office (not our primary). Results are in and she did not get into something she shouldn't have (YEA) but she does have FIP, which as I said before is fatal, but at this point not a death sentence. We are going to our primary vet on Wednesday to see what all of this means for our sweet kitten and what we do from here on out. I refuse to put a 6 month old kitten to sleep but I also don't want her to be miserable and in pain. For now we just keep loving all over her and praying that she can battle this disease for a while.

Not sure what I will do if things go downhill too quickly or we are told that she has to be put to sleep. We got Pippa the week we put Libby to rest; therefore I have a HUGE attachment to Pippa and need her to stay around for a while for my mental health. Without Pippa or my baby girl I think I may actually break into a million pieces and cease to function.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011


As I mentioned in my introduction post my husband and I have lost 3 beautiful children in the last 3 years. This year we are taking time off from pregnancy and enjoying each other, our family, friends, and our 2 new kittens (Pippa Lu and Mr. Bowie). Also in this year we are hoping to learn about the ability for me to be pregnant again as well as the possibility of surrogacy.

We have found out much about my health in pregnancy since I was pregnant with our first baby (Ziggy Ann). After losing her at 23 weeks gestation we learned that I have a clotting disorder called MTHFR, which caused there to be blood clots in the placent and umbilical cord. I was then put on Lovenox (blood thinner) 40mg for my second pregnancy with Frank. We lost him/her at 17 weeks gestation due to clots, IUGR, and no amniotic fluid. Looking back that pregnancy had a lot of issues and I think that it was going badly from the beginning. The third pregnancy with Liberty went better then the previous two. I was on 100 mg of Lovenox twice daily, I felt good, she was very active and all felt good. At 25 weeks the drs. noticed that the umbilical blood was having problems and they admitted me to watch her as wella s we found out I was developing HELLP syndrome. 3 days after being admitted I had an urgent c-section and delivered Liberty at 1 lb. 1 oz. and 11 inches long. For being as early as she was she was doing okay and holding her own. As time went on she didn't continue to develop and ultimately lost her fight at life.

The best and worst day of my life was the day I held her and lost her. We were able to kangaroo (hold her against our skin with her skin) while she was on the vent so I know she got to feel us and feel our love. I was also able to give her some breastmilk which lit up her eyes. I will treasure that memory forever. I also got to hold her when they took her off the vent. As her mom I knew when they stopped the vent that she had physically left me. She will never leave my soul or my thoughts but her little body is not here with me anymore which is BEYOND hard. It is never easy to lose someone you love but to lose your child is unimaginable.

Since that day all of my babies are on my mind a lot and here lately I think of Liberty and our time in the hospital nightly. One reason can be because one of my co-workers was pregnant as well and due around the same time as me and has brought her baby to work a few times which is good and bad. Another reason I have been thinking about Liberty often is because we are going to the drs. next Tuesday to discuss my ability to be pregnant again and what the protocol is. I know they won't tell me I can't get pregnant but I am also not sure they can give me solid answers of how successful a pregnancy will be and at this point I don't know how much more my hubby and I can deal with.

We are also looking into gestational surrogacy(hubby and I's baby making stuff and someone else's womb) and I have someone that is willing to be my surrogate but until I find out what the drs. say I don't want to look into that option any deeper for some reason. I know we will have a surrogacy pregnancy at some point because me being pregnant is rough on my family as well as my emotional state so I will probably only do one more pregnancy anyways but still I struggle with having a surrogate pregnant. I want to be pregnant, I want to have my feet swell, I want to feel like I have to pee every 10 sec.; I am okay with all of that and more than anything I want to feel that for NINE months (or at least 8 1/2). My hubby doesn't understand my desire to be pregnant when we have options like surrogacy and it is not something I can explain but it is something I feel I have to do. Hopefully when we go to the drs. they will have a positive outlook and hubby will feel a little more reassured about me being pregnant.

For now I am just trying to enjoy life as best I can and do what I can to get myself healthy so when, not if, I get pregnant again I will know that I am doing everything necessary to provide for my baby and myself.

The Many pieces of my heart

My wonderful hubby & I

Liberty Ann

Ziggy Ann

Mom & I

My Dad & I

Mr. Bowie

Pippa Lu

My brother

Monday, August 1, 2011



As this blog is about the many pieces of my heart tonight I shall divulge the "jock" side of me. I LOVE to roller blade. I am not the greatest at it and from time to time I fall down but overall I am fairly good and it is a GREAT workout. As I love to roller blade so much I asked for mom and dad to get me my Christmas present early, like August early. I wanted a new pair of roller blades and didn't truly want to spend the money myself. Now while this may sound like a cheap way to get roller blades (and come on it is) it was also a good idea as now my mother will have one less person to worry about at Christmas. She has also bought my brother’s Christmas present early, as well as dad's present sooo.. I was the odd man out; now only my hubby gets a present at Christmas. But I digress. So this Sunday mom and I were at the mall together (rare occurrence but it was brother's birthday and we were celebrating there) and she had decided that she was going to buy my roller blades. The Dick's at the mall did not have the roller blades I wanted so mom got me a gift card and hubby and I went to another Dick's and actually bought better roller blades then I originally chose.

So tonight rolls around and I am DYING to use my roller blades. Mom and I go to Weight Watchers (lost another 1.6 lbs.), we eat dinner and then on my mom's wise suggestion I roller blade home. Now my parent's house is a 10-minute walk from my house so it is not bad to roller blade home. So I strap on my blades and head out, down their ramp and bump into their car (it was hilly-ish and hard to stop). Head down the drive and down the road and while a little unsteady not bad. These are new roller blades and I am not quite used to how they feel and glide. So I go tooling down the street and do fairly well (I was able to stop/slow down before rolling into McCord road). So I decide instead of trying to blade on the uneasy sidewalk and go the short way home, when I get to "my street" I will go in the street. Now our street is truly two streets that join together and make a horseshoe shape. So I am doing well, feeling good, gaining speed, gaining speed, starting to wiggle while still gaining speed and I fall. No one saw me thank goodness but I have marks on my hands and my leg hurts a little. Now I can see my house from where I am but I am not willing to blade there as our street has a fairly good decline come to find out and I can't really stop myself, so I walk in people's yards until I get to the house across the street from my neighbor's and I cross the street and make it to my yard where I then walk across the yard.

After making it into the house I check my leg that has lovely road rash on it (see below) and survey for anymore damage (none as far as I can tell). So all in all not a bad experience, I will not be hanging up my roller blades, I just may find flatter terrain for awhile. And D**N what a workout it was my leg muscles are sore now. I shall try again tomorrow, for now I shall take Advil.
Right Hand

Left hand

Leg road rash

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Ronald McDonald House

As I lay in bed yesterday after temporarily fixing my bed from the cats (another story, another time) I started thinking about the time we spent at Ronald McDonald House of Ann Arbor. While it was not home it was pretty darn close. We knew with Liberty being so fragile and in the NICU that we would not be able to comfortably commute from home which was an hour away from the hospital but we also couldn't sleep in the NICU for what we originally thought would be 15 weeks. At the Ronald McDonald house we had our own bedroom with two twin beds that we pushed together to make a "bigger" bed and we shared a bathroom with one other room. Also while staying at Ronald McDonald someone came in every night to make dinner and/or leave treats and as parents busy with sick children the dinner and treats were always appreciated. We also all had a chore each day but if it was not possible to get the chore done then that was okay as well. There were a few times we stayed at the hospital late or didn't go back to the house for 24 hours when our chores were not done and while I always felt bad I knew it was more important to be with our little girl.

In the end when we lost Liberty, we were grateful that we were able to stay so close to her for as long as she was here on Earth with us. The day we lost Libby the Social worker at the hospital called Ronald McDonald to first get my baby blanket from the house to hold Libby with and then when we had to leave Ann Arbor the house was great about letting us get our stuff and leave, they understood how hard it was for us. In leaving we left food that I hope others were able to enjoy.

My hopes are that we will never have to go through a situation like this again but I know if we do we will stay at the Ronald McDonald House again. I also feel that I owe Ronald McDonald House more than the money we gave them for staying there; without them I would not have been able to be close to my baby for those beautiful 3 weeks she was here. So with that in mind I am asking all my followers (all 4 of you) to start saving your pop (or beer) tabs. They really do amount to something for the Ronald McDonald House and the families that stay there. Once you have a pile let me know and I will come collect them from you and take them to the House.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Quentin Tarantino

In my husband's world Quentin should be revered as a god or at least a film genius. He made me watch Pulp Fiction tonight which was a good movie but not really my type of movie; I am more of the romantic comedy kind of girl. But anyways back to Pulp Fiction, I can respect it for the art of it. It was well written, it was mildly entertaining and yes, Quentin did a good job directing, writing, being the Hollywood god that he is but still I only found the movie good. You also have to understand that for 7 YEARS my husband has been complaining about the fact that I have not previously watched Pulp Fiction and therefore the movie has somewhat been the bane of my existence and until tonight I have avoided it, not because I thought I wouldn't like the movie but because I didn't want to give into him.

When the movie was finished and my darling husband with stars in his eyes asks me what I thought, I answer it was good. He then launches into a diatribe about how awesome Quentin Tarantino is and how he has done things others in Hollywood have not and yadda yadda yadda. Quite frankly I tuned him out at some point during his diatribe so I am not sure what all he said but I know he was trying to sell me on Quentin’s godliness.  Now it is 2 am and he is trying to sell me on watching Reservoir Dogs…suddenly I am feeling very tired and need to take myself to bed.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Watching the Pounds Fall Off

I wish the pounds would just fall off but amazingly enough they don't, I actually have to WORK to get them to come off. I joined Weight Watchers in May and so far I am doing fairly well; I've lost 20 lbs. I work out about 5 times a week, watch what I eat, track my points; I am a good little dieter. As my mother would say I am the diet nazi. I comment on everything I eat and tell her the points of everything she is eating, which makes her oh so happy with me. My hopes is to lose about 75-84 lbs. by my 5 year anniversary, which means continuing to work out, drinking 8 glasses of water, and being dilligent with the tracking. I know it is possible and I can do it, but thinking about it feels huge.

With that said I have 11 points left for the day and I think I am going to go get myself an ice cream cone. Oh the joys of WW, I get to eat ice cream and not feel bad about it.

Monday, July 25, 2011

So Many Pieces

When my husband and I met 7 years ago I had no idea life would be what it has become. We have had our ups, our downs, and our bottom of the barrel life doesn't get any harder than this moments. When we said our wedding vows 4 years ago and the deacon said "for better or for worse..." he wasn't kidding. We have lived with family to save money, we own our own home after living in 3 different apartments, we have found out about medical difficulties that I have, we have had 2 stillborn babies and given birth and lost our beautiful daughter Liberty. Through this blog I am hoping to write about my life and what I am going through in the hopes that someone else will gain some comfort, inspiration or hope from my experiences. This blog is not only about the loss of my angel babies (Ziggy, Frank, and Liberty) but also my husband, my weight loss, our path to pregnancy and the everyday joys in life.