Babies

As I mentioned in my introduction post my husband and I have lost 3 beautiful children in the last 3 years. This year we are taking time off from pregnancy and enjoying each other, our family, friends, and our 2 new kittens (Pippa Lu and Mr. Bowie). Also in this year we are hoping to learn about the ability for me to be pregnant again as well as the possibility of surrogacy.

We have found out much about my health in pregnancy since I was pregnant with our first baby (Ziggy Ann). After losing her at 23 weeks gestation we learned that I have a clotting disorder called MTHFR, which caused there to be blood clots in the placent and umbilical cord. I was then put on Lovenox (blood thinner) 40mg for my second pregnancy with Frank. We lost him/her at 17 weeks gestation due to clots, IUGR, and no amniotic fluid. Looking back that pregnancy had a lot of issues and I think that it was going badly from the beginning. The third pregnancy with Liberty went better then the previous two. I was on 100 mg of Lovenox twice daily, I felt good, she was very active and all felt good. At 25 weeks the drs. noticed that the umbilical blood was having problems and they admitted me to watch her as wella s we found out I was developing HELLP syndrome. 3 days after being admitted I had an urgent c-section and delivered Liberty at 1 lb. 1 oz. and 11 inches long. For being as early as she was she was doing okay and holding her own. As time went on she didn't continue to develop and ultimately lost her fight at life.

The best and worst day of my life was the day I held her and lost her. We were able to kangaroo (hold her against our skin with her skin) while she was on the vent so I know she got to feel us and feel our love. I was also able to give her some breastmilk which lit up her eyes. I will treasure that memory forever. I also got to hold her when they took her off the vent. As her mom I knew when they stopped the vent that she had physically left me. She will never leave my soul or my thoughts but her little body is not here with me anymore which is BEYOND hard. It is never easy to lose someone you love but to lose your child is unimaginable.

Since that day all of my babies are on my mind a lot and here lately I think of Liberty and our time in the hospital nightly. One reason can be because one of my co-workers was pregnant as well and due around the same time as me and has brought her baby to work a few times which is good and bad. Another reason I have been thinking about Liberty often is because we are going to the drs. next Tuesday to discuss my ability to be pregnant again and what the protocol is. I know they won't tell me I can't get pregnant but I am also not sure they can give me solid answers of how successful a pregnancy will be and at this point I don't know how much more my hubby and I can deal with.

We are also looking into gestational surrogacy(hubby and I's baby making stuff and someone else's womb) and I have someone that is willing to be my surrogate but until I find out what the drs. say I don't want to look into that option any deeper for some reason. I know we will have a surrogacy pregnancy at some point because me being pregnant is rough on my family as well as my emotional state so I will probably only do one more pregnancy anyways but still I struggle with having a surrogate pregnant. I want to be pregnant, I want to have my feet swell, I want to feel like I have to pee every 10 sec.; I am okay with all of that and more than anything I want to feel that for NINE months (or at least 8 1/2). My hubby doesn't understand my desire to be pregnant when we have options like surrogacy and it is not something I can explain but it is something I feel I have to do. Hopefully when we go to the drs. they will have a positive outlook and hubby will feel a little more reassured about me being pregnant.

For now I am just trying to enjoy life as best I can and do what I can to get myself healthy so when, not if, I get pregnant again I will know that I am doing everything necessary to provide for my baby and myself.